


Drunk Crack Fanfictions

by robotortoise



Category: Fire Emblem Echoes: Mou Hitori no Eiyuu Ou | Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia, Fire Emblem Series
Genre: Crack, Gen, drunk, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-02-18 07:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 6,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13095618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robotortoise/pseuds/robotortoise
Summary: I'm inebriated and writing crack fanfictions.They're spell-checked. Don't worry.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "uuuh Sonya and Leon fight over what Nintendo Switch game they should buy with their limited funds  
> They only have enough for one game"

“Super Mario Odyssey has better graphics!” Sonya said. “It runs at 60 FPS and is rated game of the year by many publications!”

“Ugh, you plebian,” said Leon. “That was Breath of the Wild. And we only have funds for one game! If we’re getting one game, why would you choose a platformer over an _adventure?_ ”

“You just want Breath of the Wild for Sidon, don’t you?”

“I may have seen the memes,” said Leon, “but I in no way want to fuck a fish!”

“Can you two just decide?” asked the annoyed GameStop employee. “There are other customers in line. Also, why are you just deciding now?”

“Because fuck you, that’s why!” snapped Leon. “And besides, I’m gay.”

“Congratulations,” said the employee. “I’m bi.”

“Congratulations,” said Leon. “Now, let us choose!”

“I’ll let you feel my tits if you let us choose Super Mario Odyssey,” said Sonya.

“I’m gay! Why would I want that?”

“I don’t know. It’s the only bargaining tool I have at the moment. Why could I not have chosen a straight roommate?”

“Probably because, as you said, ‘he’d be too entranced by my looks to want to study’?”

“I did _not_ say that.”

“You did too.”

“Did not.”

“Gods, just pick a game already!” one customer behind the duo said. “I want to pay for my limited-edition Super Paper Mario Francis poster!”

“That’s just a reprint of official concept art and you know it!” shouted another customer.

“Francis is a 3D model, so it’s an official _render_ , thank you very much! Also, screw you!” The two customers began fistfighting.

“What about Mario Kart 8?” asked the GameStop employee, leaning on the counter. “It’s fun and it’s Mario Kart.”

“I would hate that,” said Leon.

“Then it’s settled,” said Sonya, handing over her credit card. “Give us Mario Kart 8.”

“Deluxe!” shouted someone in line. “It’s a Switch, not a Wii U!”

“Fuck you!” shouted Sonya. “Eat my ass!”

“I’d love to!” replied another person in line.

Sonya set everyone on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sonya is very perverse here. Leon is very gay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "ROBO WRITE MORE SABER/LUIGI"

“S-Saber,” said Luigi. He pushed back, and Saber frowned.

“What’s wrong, my wee mushroom?” asked Saber. “I thought we were doing rather well.”

“I-it’s not that…” Luigi let out a sigh. “I just worry for my homeland – the Mushroom Kingdom.”

“The Mushroom Kingdom? What about it? And why specify the Mushroom Kingdom? I know very well what it is. We’ve been lovers for quite some time, amigo.”

“I just thought that someone would have come here by now. You know, at least a Toad or someone. Even someone unimportant. But instead, no one. I didn’t even get a thank-you card for saving the world!”

“Hah!” said Mae. “I’m here for some reason.”

“What the fuck?!” asked Griel. “How’d you get here?!”

“Who are you people?” asked Boey.

I forgot who I was wrigint about


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cecilyn: Can you write Aimee and Anna?
> 
>  
> 
> me: I have no idea who Aimee is aside from she wants to fuck Soren  
> so OK

“Aimee,” said Ike with a sigh. “I need something from you.”

“Mmm… From _me_ , Ike? I’d let you have _anything_ from me, Ike dearest. Anything at all.”

“Why’s she acting like that?” asked Soren. “She usually isn’t as…. direct.”

“I don’t think the author knows what she’s usually like,” explained Ike. “So he’s making her all Camilla-like. It’s not really in-character.”

“Oh, come off it!” snapped Aimee. “I’m a seductive woman! Haven’t you seen any movie in the last decade? We have an archetype! ‘Seductive woman’ is, like, Camilla incarnate!” Aimee paused. “Usually has smaller boobs, though. Can’t exactly find actresses with giant implants these days.”

“Oh, you’re just looking for the wrong type of actresses,” said Soren.

“Those actresses aren’t really A-list material. I want actors who can _act_ in my movies, thank you very much.”

“Look, are you going to hit on me or not?” asked Ike. “I don’t have all day.”

“Sure,” said Aimee. “Uh, kiss me or something. I’m a very beautiful, exotic woman, and you’re a stunningly handsome, muscular man. We’d make beautiful babies.”

“That’s a terrible pick-up line,” said Ike.

“Who needs a good pick-up line?!” cried Aimee. “I’m hot as all hell?! Are you blind, man? I’m stunning!”

“Yeah, you’re not my type,” said Ike, and he shot a glance at Soren.

Soren coughed.

“Oh, I see where this is going,” said Aimee, “and I am *not* going to lose out to another man! Abra-cadabra, transformo-blammo!” She poofed into a puff, and Ike and Soren coughed, smoke filling their lungs. When the smoke cleared, their jaws dropped open – Aimee was gone, and in her place, sat…

“C-Clive?!” asked Soren. “B-but…how?! Why?! You’re not even from this game!”

“I’m Aimee, but a man,” said Clive. He pointed at his cheek. “Do you not see the mole? There are only two characters in Fire Emblem with moles. Therefore, I am a male version of her.”

‘Fuck,” said Ike. “Well, I can’t pass that offer up.” He looked to Soren. “You won’t be offended, right?”

“Not at all,” said Soren, waving the matter away. “She – er, he – said it themself. ‘They’re a beautiful, exotic woman.’ I know I wouldn’t pass that up, myself.”

“Wonderful.” Ike grabbed Clive and pressed his lips against Clive’s; the crystal ball fell to the side of the table.

Soren grabbed it. His eyes narrowed. “This is plastic,” he said.

“Shut up,” said Ike and Clive simultaneously.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Alm eats flour and switches bodies with Celica"

“I… love you, Celica,” said Alm, smiling dreamily. “I love you so, so much!”

Normally, these would be words Celica would love to hear – Alm was confessing to her! (Not anything she didn’t know already, of course, but… Alm confessing! It made her heart skip a beat!)

“I love you, Shellica…” Alm grinned. “I looooove you.”

Normally, of course, Alm wasn’t black-out drunk.

“I… C-can I have shome of that?” Alm asked Boey.

“No. Get your own food.”

“Sh… T-thanks.” Alm grabbed the bag of flour, grinning, and chugged the flour. After a moment, his cheeks buldged, and he spat it out. “Terrible,” he said.

Boey watched, unamused. He turned to Celica. “Milady, are you really not going to stop him?”

“It’s just flour, Boey.”

“No, not that. I mean from making a fool of himself.”

Celica sighed. “He saved the world. I think, just this once, he can afford to look a fool.”

“Hmph.” Boey walked off.

“I want to….” Alm looked at Gray, smirking. “G-gray. G-guess what I want to do to… to Celica over there?” He jabbed a thumb at Celica.

“Yes?” asked Gray, his smile devious. “What do you want to do?”

“I wanna… I wanna be inshide her.”

“That is _enough_!” cried Celica. “I will have no more of this foolishness! Alm, you are coming home right now!”

“H-….” Alm hiccuped. “S-Screw off, M-mom. I don’t need any of your…. your…” He paused. “What’s the word…? Uh…..” He giggled.

“Please, Alm. You’re not yourself.”

“T-that’s right!” said Alm. “I’m super Alm, defeater of evil dragon gods!” He ripped his shirt open, pretending there was a symbol in the middle.

Gray and Tobin snickered.

“That is _it_!” cried Celica. “You have no respect for the gods!”

“They tried to kill ush.”

“Gr… If I can’t make you come home with me, then I’ll have to force you to!”

“Kinky,” whispered Gray (who had also had too much to drink).

“Balgeroni!” shouted Celica. In an instant, Alm found himself sober and disoriented.

“What?” he asked in Celica’s fair voice. He gasped.

“Alm…” Celica (who was now Alm) said groggily. “W-why does… W-why do I feel so funny…?” She gasped. “M-my voice! I’m…. A-Alm…” She frowned. “I’m _Alm_.”

“I-I… C-Celica…” Alm gasped and felt his (her?) throat. “W-why… This is surreal… Did she truly switch our bodies? Why?”

“Y-you were being shtupid. I didn’t want you to be…. so shtupid. I wanted to help. B-but I didn’t realize I would be a…. b-boy.” She grew a stupid grin, and her hand hesitantly reached for her crotch.

“Celica, no!”

But it was too late. Celica was already grabbing and fondling Alm’s dong.

“Oh, gods,” Alm said. “I…”

“Wait wait wait,” said Gray, crossing his arms. “I’m trying to piece together what’s happened here. You’re Alm?”

Alm nodded. He noticed the feeling of Celica’s hair on the back of his neck – it was bizzare.

“You’re Celica.” Gray pointed to Celica.

Celica nodded, grinning dreamily. “He’s so… B-being a boy is s-so much fun…”

“Okay…..” Alm said. “L-let’s get you – uh, me – back to my…. your… room. Gods, this is confusing.”

“Dong armor,” Celica said, grinning and groping.

Tobin sighed. “I’ll take her.”

“Thanks, Tobin,” said Alm.

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t mention it.” Tobin grabbed his friend’s body’s arm and led it towards the castle.

“So…” Gray asked, looking Alm up and down. “You’re really Alm? Inside there?”

“Gray, when we were kids, you stole Grandpapa’s earring and wore it until he caught you. You promised me to swear to never tell another soul.”

Gray gasped. “Wow, it _is_ Alm in there.” He grinned mischievously. “Hey, Alm, I’ve always wondered something. What does a girl look like when she cops a feel?”

“Celica’s….” Alm looked downward, and he swallowed the lump in his throat. “Celica…” His hands slowly reached downward, and he lifted the chest plate up and over. He could practically feel himself salivating at the idea of touching her breasts.

“You guys know I’m totally still here, right?” asked Mae.

“Boooobs,” was the boy’s response in unison. Alm grabbed both, and his expression turned to one of wonderment. “Booooobs….”

Mae sighed and prepared a lightning spell. Her fingers zapped with energy.

“Wait, what are you?”

“Don’t fondle Lady Celica!”

Both boys were zapped.

“W-worth it,” were Alm’s last words before he lost consciousness, his boobs flopping with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tend to use passing out when I don't know how to end something.
> 
> Did you know real-life passing out can lead to concussions?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "WRITE: JEDDAH ON VACATION ON A TROPICAL ISALND WHERE HE RUNS INTO AND BEFRIENDS... MARIA."

“And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!” Jedah shook his fist menacingly (which is to say, not very at all).

He was in the middle of a tropical resort. The sun bore down on his purple skin.

A girl stood nearby.

“Hi!” said the girl. “Who’re you?”

“Why, me? I am Jedah, lord of the Grimreal! Or… uh, Duma Faithful. Something.” He frowned. “I’m evil. I’m purple. Fear me!”

“Eh, I don’t feel like it.” The owner of the voice – a small redheaded girl – shrugged. “Besides, you don’t look so evil.”

“I am most definitely. I sacrificed a girl to an evil god.”

“Was she an evil girl?”

“She was beautiful.”

“Beautifully evil?”

“No! Beautiful at heart! She was pure and made the perfect sacrifice! Who the hell are you and why are you questioning at me?”

“I’m Mario!” chirped Maria. “It’s-a-me!”

“What?”

“Never you mind.”

“Why are you talking like that? It seems not like how a child would act.”

“Shut up. I’m a kid. Look how adorable I am!” Maria grinned, hopping up and down with her hands behind her back.”

“I don’t believe you,” said Jedah. “I believe you to be a devil.”

“Ah, poo,” said the girl, frowning. “Figured it out so quickly?” Her red hair morphed into spikes, and her innocent grin into a macabre one. She grew tremendously in size, and Jedah took a step back.

“I thought it’d take you longer,” said the girl, her voice no longer a high-pitched squeal, and instead a low, almost seductive tone. “I’m the devil.”

“T-the devil? You can’t be!”

“Oh, but I am.” The devil’s face twisted, morphing into an image of Sonya. With the Devil’s hideous red body, it was not at all an attractive combo (much unlike the real Sonya.) “You’re in Hell, Jedah. Welcome, welcome! Come one, come all, come big, come small, to the most awful place in existence!”

“No, no.” Jedah shook his head. “Not that. You’re the Devil.”

“Yep! Got a problem with that?”

“Yes, actually. That implies Christianity exists. Yet we exist in a world with only gods and goddesses – no Jesus, no one god. We can’t have a heaven nor Hell.”

“Of course we can! And we _do_. Hell is mentioned in Fire Emblem!”

“’tis not.”

“Fire Emblem Fates’s DLC has Selena mention Hell.”

Jedah frowned. “That means nothing. Fates is very inconsistent.”

“That is true,” said the Devil. “Camilla’s bosom changes sizes frequently in canon, as do the character’s heights. And Elise is most certainly not an adult. Yet, the fact that Hell is mentioned in Fire Emblem is true, and your point is moot.”

“I hate you.”

“You hate all except Duma. You’re Jedah.”

“…That is fair.” Jedah shrugged. “Are we going to get to the sodomizing?”

“Oh, no.” The Devil snapped his fingers. Suddenly, the image of the beach melted, revealing a flaming room. A throne sat in its center. “I’ve been looking for a successor for _years_ , Jedah.” The Devil grinned, nodding slightly.

“Do you mean…?”

“Yes!” said Jedah. “Faye is my successor!”

Faye skipped happily up to the chair, grinning and curtsying mockingly. “No one as cute as I is innocent,” she said, grinning at Jedah.

“You’re the devil,” sneered Jedah.

“Yeah,” said the Devil. “That’s… That’s kind of the point.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDK, the "Hell" references always confused me in Fire Emblem. Then I realized I was thinking too hard about it and gave up.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Write out your Kirby kink fantasies, Robo!"

“Please vore me,” I said to the pink puffball. “God, I want you to fucking vore me.”

“I ain’t sucking you up,” said Kirby with his deep, sexy man voice. “Are ‘ya insane or something?”

“I want to be in your stomach…”

“God, what the hell is wrong with you?”

“Tummmiesss,” I whispered. “They’re so soft and firm. I love pink tums!”

“I’m leaving,” said Kirby, turning around. His turning animation was surprisingly robust for a 2D-plane platformer.

“God, I love your turning animation,” I blurted out.

“Hm?”

“A-and your 60… FPS! I love it. Your games are so technically good.”

“Oh?” Kirby turned, his eyes narrowing. “If you’re trying to flatter me… It’s working.” He winked, and my heart did a thump.

“I love how your games use standardized 3DS file formats!” I said. “No proprietary bullshit!”

“Well, Mobiclip was proprietary,” said Kirby,” but that was a late Wii game, so I’m sure you’ll let it slide.”

“I love you!” I said.

Kirby and I locked lips.

He ate me, and I loved it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not actually into vore.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Mycen awkwardly tells Alm about Birds and Bees"

“Grandpapa! Grandpapa!” Alm burst through the doors in his house, straight into Mycen’s arms. “Faye… F-Faye has these things on her back!”

“Hm? What is it, Alm?” Mycen turned, hesitant. “What do you mean, ‘things’?”

“S-she’s got buttons, Grandpapa! They’re like big buttons or pimples on her back! I think she’s turning ill!”

“Things on her… Hm. Are these ‘things’ placed evenly apart?”

“Y-yes! So you do know what they are! You’re so smart, Grandpapa!”

Mycen sighed. He did not want to be having this talk. “That’s… part of a bra, Alm. She’s wearing a bra.”

“A bra?” Alm asked. “What’s that?”

“It’s… It’s a contraption to hold breasts up.”

“Breasts?” asked Alm. “What are those?”

* * *

 

“A-and girls really have to deal with that one week of each month?” asked Alm.

“Indeed, boy. And you will, too, if you marry one!”

“Ooh….” Alm blushed. “I-I want to…” He grinned sheepishly.

Mycen grinned back. “Thinking of a special someone?”

Alm nodded, giggling.

“Faye is super… I-I like Faye.”

It was at that point that Mycen noticed the rosy hue of Alm’s cheeks, the lustful expression of his eyes, and most importantly, how the red of his pupils were.”

“…Alm,” said Mycen. “Let me teach you about love potions.”

“L-love potions?” asked Alm. “O-oh! I hope to be drugged by one someday! Maybe even by Faye! Gods, Faye is truly something else…”

Mycen wanted to shake the boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually thought bra straps were giant pimples when I was like 15. I asked my mom about it, and she didn't know what they were. I assume my descriptions were shit.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We need Delthea the stoner and Luthier hiding her stash from her man"

 “Delthea?” Luthier asked, frowning. He pulled out a baggie from behind his back. “May I ask what this is?”

“That’s weed, Lu,” said Delthea.

“I know very well it’s marijuana!” barked Luthier. “And I would like to know where you got it, young lady!”

“My dealer, of course,” said Delthea. “Where else would I get it, Lu?”

“Nowhere.”

“What do you mean no…” Delthea’s face paled. “Oh no. You’re not cutting me off, are you? Bro, you can’t do that! Bro, you can’t do-”

“Do _not_ tell me what I may and may not do! I am cutting you off from all of this… this… heinous substance, and I am returning it to its owner!”

“What? But you can’t…” Delthea paused. “Wait. Did you just say you were going to ‘return’ it?”

“Well… Yes. We can’t just throw it out.”

“You’re giving my weed back to the dealer.”

“Yes.”

“…Do you realize how stupid that is?”

“Not at all, Delthea. It’s not at all.”

“…Hah. They’re totally going to beat you up.”

“Delthea.”

* * *

 

“We’re totally going to beat you up,” said Sonya, punching her fist against an empty palm.

“Don’t steal from us,” growled Saber.

“I-I s-swear, it wasn’t me! It was my sister!”

“Likely story,” sneered Saber.

“Really?” asked Sonya, crossing her arms. “Pinning it on a child?”

“I tried to set her straight!”

“Oh, please.” Sonya rolled her eyes and punched Luthier.

He was knocked out cold with one hit.

“Pussy,” said Delthea. She spat on him.

“Ready for another round, Delthea?” asked Saber.

“Fuck yeah.” She lit up a joint with fire magic, and the trio got high as hell.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk anything about weed


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Corrin X Kamui xd"

“Corrin,” Kamui said, his breath filled with the scent of wine. His eyes were lusty, and his mood horny. “I want to do you.”

“And I you,” Corrin said, her eyes narrow like a snake’s. Her tongue slithered in and out like one, and _damn_ , all Kamui could think of was how good at fellatio she must be.

“Your breasts are rather amazing,” Kamui said.

“And your face is rather…” Corrin paused. “I like how your eyes don’t close.”

The two embraced, and their embrace turned to something more, their bodies melding into one.

“They _feel_ amazing, too,” Kamui said quietly. “Gods…”

“I thought you had no gods, now that Mila was-”

“Quiet up, and let’s go another round!”

Corrin shrugged. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there's a recurring theme in these.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "sumia gets drunk and somehow becomes less clumsy, frightening everyone"

“Sumia?” Chrom asked, frowning. “What gives? You’re so… so…”

“D-drunk?” Sumia asked, grinning lopsided. “I looooove you, Chrom. I love you so muuuuch…”

“Right, but how are you drunk?” asked Chrom. “You never drink.”

“Hee hee.” Sumia giggled. “I’m drunk, Chromdula!”

“Clearly…” Chrom groaned. “You’d never call me ‘Chromdula’ on a normal night. How’d you get to this state?”

“Giiiirls,” Sumia said, grinning. “I like giiirls…”

“Um…”

“I swapped lesbianism with Tharjaaaaa,” Sumia said, giggling. “I’m bisexual now.”

“That makes no sense!” cried Chrom. “You’re drunk!”

“I like giiiirls,” said Sumia. She grabbed ahold of her chest, and her smile widened. “Whoaaa. Chrom, I think I _am_ a girl…”

Chrom groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the recurring theme is boobs


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Genny meets a flock of sheep and they accept her as one of their own. She leads a sheep army to defeat the gods, and they're so good, they don't stop at Duma. They go all the way to Archanea and take down Medeus for Marth. Also Naga, just cause"

“Baa,” Genny said, giggling. She looked at the sheep and snickered.

“Genny?” asked Alm. “Would you like to leave Ram village?”

“Nah,” said Genny. “I’d rather stay here, with the sheep!”

“Genny?” asked Tobin. “Are you sure you’re supposed to… be here? I feel like you’re supposed to be replaced by F̗̙̟̩͘a̷̙̟̗̖y̵̖̗̫͔̻̟͉e̖̟͓͜. Tobin coughed. “Gazundheit.”

“Who?” F… Genny asked. “No, I’m Genny, silly! I was born here!”

“If… if you say so, Genny.” Tobin scractched the back of his neck.

“Let’s get out of here,” whispered Gray.

Genny petted the sheep. “I’m going to name you Halfie, because you’re half cute! The other half of you is adorable!”

“Riiight…” Alm frowned.

* * *

 

“I love you, Halfie…” Genny hugged the sheep.

“Baa,” Halfie said. “Baa, baa. Baa baa!”

Genny giggled. “And a good day to you, Half…” She frowned. “Wait, I can understand you? Ohmygosh, I can understand you!”” Genny stood. “Then I know what I must do!”

* * *

 

“Run, Halfie!” Genny cried, riding Halfie like he was a horse, the rest of the sheep herd behind her. Poor Halfie didn’t have the bone structure to support a small teenager, though, and he collapsed, his rib cage crushed.

Genny, not one to be deterred by small details like “what was ethical” and “oh my gods, Genny, you can’t do that, that’s disgusting!” healed the sheep with her staff and re-mounted it.

“Yah!” she cried, whipping it in its sheep arse. “Go, Halfie! Ride into the sunset!”

“Baaah,” Halfie cried (which was Sheep for ‘help me’).

* * *

 

“A Terror!” Genny cried. She stopped Halfie and the herd followed. She readied her weapon. “Charge!” she cried, and the flock of sheep swarmed the Terror, not unlike the Sleepy Sheep item from _Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door_.

“Charge, Sheepies!” Genny cried, and the sheep did as such.

“Gragh!” the Terror cried. “I only wanted to say hi! Why did you discriminate against me just for being undeaaaad!”

He died.

“Well, that was easy,” said Genny. “Onwards, my sheepy comrades!”

“Baah,” said Halfie.

* * *

 

“Just… one… more… hit…” Alm panted, his eyes trained on Duma. He was about to pass out from sheer exhaustion. “I… Celica, know that I always loved… you…”

“Oh, Alm!” said Celica.

“…beautiful hair…” Alm collapsed.

Duma laughed. “Mwah hah hah! And now, you shall feel the wrath of…. whatever it is that I shall inflict upon you! But trust me, it shall be evil and very, very naughty!”

“Stop trying to be painful!” said Genny. She rode in on Halfie, and she ran straight into Duma.

“Ack!” said Duma, her attack damaging him. “W-what?” he cried. “Impossible! But only Falchion can damage me!”

“Maybe in-universe! But my Sleepy Sheep is from _Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door_ , and it can damage anyone from this world!”

Duma growled. “Grrr….”

“Go, my sheep!” cried Genny. “Attack! Do 7 HP of damage and set him to sleep!”

On cue, the sheep swarmed him and did 7 HP of damage – enough to send his health bar into the negatives.

“Noooo!” cried Duma. He flopped over, defeated.

“Baaah,” said Halfie, purring.

* * *

 

“Go, my sheep!” said Genny.

“W-what?” asked Mila. “I’m already undead!”

“You’re a threat to me or… something!” said Genny.

Mila stared at her.

“Okay, you’re the bonus boss and I’m bored. I really like this game, okay?”

Mila shrugged. “Yeah, that’s fair. Go ahead, child. Kill my spirit.”

“Charge!” Genny pointed a finger forward, and the sheep jumped on Mila, eating her ghostly flesh.

“Nice,” said Duma’s ghost, and Genny and it kissed.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I mention I'm drunker tonight?
> 
> Because I am.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If you're taking suggestions, I suggest a party with every character from Fates getting along EXCEPT Corrin
> 
> Corrin's the guy no one invited, but showed up anyway, the one who makes things awkward"

“Hi guys!” Corrin opened the door to the Fates party auditorium. He waved, grinning.

The music stopped. Everyone looked at the male Corrin.

“O-oh,” said Arthur. “I-it’s Corrin, everyone! Isn’t that wonderful?”

“Yes…” Silas said, a forced grin on his face. “Boy Corrin. How grand.”

“Yaaay,” said Felicia. “Wonderful…”

“W-what?” the male Corrin frowned. “Is there something on my face?”

“No, no, no!” said Batman. “You’re welcome inside!”

“Oh, thanks, Batman!” the male Corrin walked forward, grinning. He stopped, noticing the awkward looks still on everyone’s faces.

Even the female Corrin, who was holding a glass of wine and hitting on Xander, had an inquisitive look on her face.

“Okay, I know something’s up.” Male Corrin crossed his arms. “Even Zola is looking at me funny!”

“What?” Xander poofed, transforming into Zola. Female Corrin took a step back and almost spilled her drink. “D-don’t be foolish! I would never lambast you, male Corrin!”

“Why specify the ‘male?’”

“Because you’re so…. handsome?” He phrased this as a question.

“Why did you phrase this as a question? Aren’t me and the girl the same?”

“Oh, sweetie…” Camilla walked up to male Corrin and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “It’s not that we all _dis_ -like you, it’s just that, well…”

“We like you _less_ than we like her,” said Laslow.

“Laslow!” Selena chastised.

“What?” Laslow asked. “It’s true, isn’t it? She’s dumb, sure, but she’s pretty, and she’s got…” Laslow gestured to his chest.

“You’ve had too much.” Selena yanked his cup of wine away.

“Aw,” said Laslow.

“I’d be offended if it weren’t true,” said Selena with a shrug. “I’ve really only got my sex appeal to stand for.”

“And your tits!” Niles shouted.

“That’s _part_ of it!” she shouted back. “I swear, Niles, one of these days…”

“She’s _totally_ into me,” said Niles, ribbing Silas.

Silas frowned.

“So, uh…” Male Corrin shifted. “Do I just go home?”

“Normally, I’d say yes,” said the real (non-Zola) Xander, “but we do need an alternate skin for female Corrin in Warriors. So, congrats, and welcome to the team!” Xander shook male Corrin’s hand rapidly.

“W-what?” asked female Corrin. “B-but he’s not hot! He’s dumb! And his penis is small!”

“But he’s all we’ve got for alternate skins,” said Xander. “Unless you want to share the spot with someone like Kamui.”

“But I am-”

“ _Fates_ Kamui.”

“I-I suppose I’ll be a boy sometimes, then.” She smiled forcedly.

“Yay!” male Corrin said. “I get to be a hot chick sometimes! Half the time, people will actually like me because I’m attractive!”

“Only physically,” Zola said, patting Corrin on the back. “Only attractive physically, buddy.”

Male Corrin cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like the idea of Male Corrin and Female Corrin as pals, but even better, as her only tolerating him.
> 
> it makes him a better self-insert because hot girls only tolerate me


	13. Chrom Grab Boobs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prompt for this one was "something with the throne".

Chrom was amazed. He couldn’t believe it, despite how often he had passionate, anal sex with her – Robin’s boobs were just simply gigantic! They were soft and plush, but those robes hid them as to a state of almost not existing.

“Guh,” Chrom said elegantly, grabbing and massaging Robin’s soft tissue with dopey eyes. “Guhhhh.”

“Men,” Robin said, rolling her eyes. “You’re so dumb.”

“Boooooobs,” Chrom said dumbly, squeezing them again and giggling.

“Me too thanks,” said Robin, and she massaged her own boobs.

“Me no touch boobs now!” Chrom said angrily. “Me angry!”

“Touch your own!” said Robin, and she used magic to give Chrom boobs.

And Chrom never left his royal chambers again.

* * *

 

“Sir?” asked the minister. “Why are you…?”

“Guh,” said Chrom, sitting on his royal throne and massaging his boobs. “I like boobs.”

“Um,” said the minister eloquently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sidenote: What the fuck is a minister


	14. "Bunny Lucina is afflicted by a curse in which she can only move via hopping like a bunny."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompts found here:  
> https://www.reddit.com/r/fireemblem/comments/8g5im3/im_drinking_and_willing_to_write_terrible/

“Father, help!” Lucina cried. She was on all fours, eyes wide, and standing in front of a very befuddled Chrom, who had previously been about to engage in very loving, tender coitus with his wife.

“L-Lucina!” Chrom cried, hugging his body against his sheets. “I didn’t expect you!”

“That’s an understatement!” cried his wife, that may have been one of four possible women. She covered her breasts with an “eep”.

“Father!” cried Lucina, ignoring how almost naked her parents were. “Tharja cursed me! I have been afflicted with a curse that…” She cried out in pain, and her tush shot up – a fluffy tail popped out, blue in color. “Bunn…y…” she managed to squeak out, before collapsing.

“Let’s get her to the infirmary,” said Olivia/Sumia/Robin/Sully.

“Shouldn’t we, uh…” Chrom gestured to his nakedness.

“Oh,” said Olivia/Sumia/Robin/Sully. “Right.” She dove at him, pampering him with kisses.

“N-not like that!” cried Chrom, shoving his wife off. “Not like that….”

“Fine,” said his wife grumpily. “Let’s take her to Lissa.”

* * *

 

“Yeppers, she’s been cursed!” Lissa said cheerily. “I know my curses, and she’s got a bunny curse.”

Chrom and Sumia/Olivia/Tharja/Robin looked at Lissa numbly.

“What?” asked Lissa. “I majored in magic. I know my curses. Sheesh!”

“If you say so,” said Sumia/Olivia/Cordelia/Robin. “How do we reverse it?”

“Oh, that’s easy.” Lissa waved her hand. “Done.”

“How did you…”

“Tharja didn’t make it very difficult to remove.” Lissa shrugged. “Likely just a test curse, knowing her.”

“Hey, you know,” Cordelia/Luigi/Olivia/Bob the Builder said, “I’ve been wondering something.”

“Yeah?” asked Lissa.

“Why is she still here? Shouldn’t she have returned to Plegia?”

“What, you mean the Plegia with no king that’s in chaos and is an absolute hellhole? Yeah, good idea. Let’s bring Tharja there.”

“Rude.”

Lissa shrugged. “I call ‘em like I see em.”

“Well…” Chrom sighed. “At least Lucina is fixed.”

“We fixed Lucina while she was a rabbit?” Cordelia/Luigi/Sumia/Sumia gasped. “That’s awful!”

“Hey,” said Chrom, “I don’t hare-ve a problem with it.”


	15. "Eat Rock", Soldier's first stand-up comedy gig

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompts found here:  
> https://www.reddit.com/r/fireemblem/comments/8g5im3/im_drinking_and_willing_to_write_terrible/

The soldier stood upon the stage. He was anxious, almost mortified, and very sweaty as he stood upon the stage. With shaky hands, he opened the piece of paper he was holding.

“E-eat rock!” he said quietly.

The crowd murmured quietly among itself. “Speak up!” one of the audience members shouted.

“I-I said, um… E-eat rock!”

One audience member chuckled quietly, but just loud enough for the soldier to hear it.

*Truly?* the solider thought to himself. *Do they think I’m funny?*

“Eat rock!” he repeated, louder this time.

A few of the audience members snickered.

“EAT ROCK!” he cried, booming into the Megaphone Tome. “EAT ROCK EAT ROCK EAT ROCK EAT ROCK!”

The audience roared with laughter, giggling and cavorting around the stage.

“Eat rock eat rock eat rock!” the solider repeated, and the audience roared and applauded.

“I love you!” cried a random voice. A flower landed at his feet.

The soldier bowed and exited, cheers gushing from the audience below.

Then the soldier woke up and had to dry off his bed, as he’d wetted it.


	16. Kiran introducing a Hero (of your choice!) to memes. Said character becomes a meme fanatic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompts found here:  
> https://www.reddit.com/r/fireemblem/comments/8g5im3/im_drinking_and_willing_to_write_terrible/

“Memes,” Summoner said, grinning with their androgynous, yet very attractive face. “The DNA of the soul. Without memes, we would be nothing – we would be lifeless husks, endlessly playing gacha all day. But memes keep us from ultimate corruption, they help us savor life and not spend endless amount of monies on stupid waifu games. And that’s why we have memes.”

“I want to check the sorcerer’s cloak,” said Odin, thoroughly unimpressed by Kiran’s spiel. “Do I roll for perception?”

“You always roll for perception,” snapped Selena. “Why wouldn’t you roll for perception?”

“Sorry, sorry!” Odin raised his hands. “Just thought I’d ask!”

“Well, you needn’t. Gawds, you’re stupid.”

“Why did I marry you again?”

“Because you have stellar taste.”

Kiran raised his phone. “Um, hello? 21-st century person here. I have a magical device that lets me view memes. Memes about you all.”

“Yeah, yeah,” said Selena, waving her hand. “I’ve seen it.”

“You haven’t! I literally just brought it out today! I’ve tried to keep my phone hidden to preserve the immersion! Look, you all are on here!” Kiran opened Fire Emblem Heroes, and the game screamed at him. Frantically, they tried to turn the volume down, to no avail.

“Why is it speaking latin?” asked Laslow.

“It’s not, it’s just a Japanese person singing in… Wait, how do you know what Latin is?”

“Weren’t you going to teach us about memes?”

“Oh. Oh, right!” Kiran flipped the phone to the best app of all time - *9gag*. “Look! Here’s a frog that’s saying ‘reeee’ because it doesn’t like the normal people!”

Selena rolled her eyes. Laslow just looked at Kiran curiously.

Odin giggled. “Heh,” he said. “Those darn normal people.”

“Hey, he gets it!” said Kiran. He flipped to another meme – this one was of a bear talking about its misdeeds. “Look, this one is a bear that slept with a woman he wasn’t married to!”

“HAH! That bear has made a grave misdeed, and is confessing it via meme! What a humorous concept!”

“I like this guy,” said Kiran.

“Can I see your phone?” asked Odin.

“No, you cannot.”

“Please?” Odin made his eyes wide like a puppy’s. It was so embarrassing that Kiran had no choice but to give in lest Odin embarrass himself further

“Fine,” said Kiran, giving Odin the phone. “But don’t go crazy, all right?”

“I promise, good sir!” said Odin.

“I’m androgynous, you prick.”

“I promise, good being!” said Odin.

Kiran crossed their arms. “Better.”

* * *

 

_Five days later_

“I roll to examine the wardrobe!” said Laslow.

“What is it with you and perception checks?” Selena asked. “Seriously, you always do them.”

“At least I’m not as bad as Odin.”

Odin grinned. “**O RLY?** he asked, trying to give his best shit-eating grin.

“Yes, *really*,” snapped Selena. “You’re terrible.”

“Sad face,” said Odin. “Me no haz cheezeburgers.”

“That made sense,” said Kiran. “That made complete sense.”

“It’s all because of those memes,” said Laslow. “He’s done nothing but use that phone for days! I don’t even know how he gives it power, but he manages, and _gods_ he won’t shut up about them! Yesterday, he showed me probably forty different-”

“It was not *forty*,” snapped Odin.

“Thirty-nine different memes!” cried Laslow. “You have to stop him!”

“Fine,” said Kiran. They opened their hand. “Gimme the phone.”

“No,” said Odin. “Make me.”

“I’ll feather you.”

Odin handed the phone to Kiran quickly.

“Are we finally ready to take this campaign seriously?” asked Selena, tapping her finger on the desk.

“Not quite,” said Kiran. He grinned at Laslow. “Wait until I show you internet porn!”

Selena threw a D20 at Kiran’s head.

It rolled a 20.


	17. “Selena and Beruka's quest to find Camilla a fucking pair of pants.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompts found here:  
> https://www.reddit.com/r/fireemblem/comments/8g5im3/im_drinking_and_willing_to_write_terrible/

 

“You.” Camilla pointed to Selena. “Cute one.”

“Lady Selena!” said Selena. “How may I be of service?””

“I need pants,” Camilla said sadly.

“Oh?” For once, Beruka’s face almost lit up. “You wish for… pants?”

“Not just any pants, darling,” said Camilla, walking in a circle, seductively trailing a finger off Beruka’s lips. “Fucking pants.”

“Fucking pants,” repeated Beruka dryly. “You want us to find you a pair of pants…”

“…to have sex in. Yes.”

“My liege, surely you don’t actually… W-we don’t have to…”

Selena noted that Beruka’s face was turning an unhealthy shade of red, and that it was actually rather adorable. She figured she should butt in, though.

Heh, butts.

“I don’t think this is wise, Lady Camilla,” said Selena. “You tend to get more undressed when engaged in the act, not less.”

“Perhaps for normal people, yes,” said Camilla. “But due to my terrible mental anguish during the fanservice excuse wars – oh, excuse me, I meant the *Concubine Wars* -  I put on *more* clothing during sex, not less.

“This is really stupid,” Beruka pointed out. “This is terribly stupid.”

“I just want you to come with me to the tailor’s and get a fucking pair of pants,” snapped Camilla. “Literally, and figuratively.”

And so the trio did just that, and then Camilla had sex in the pants.

The End


	18. "Boey and Mae confront /u/robotortoise for the flour fic. You know the one, you wrote it."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompts found here: https://www.reddit.com/r/fireemblem/comments/8g5im3/im_drinking_and_willing_to_write_terrible/

“Yo!” a high-pitched voice rang out in my apartment. “You!”

“Hm?” I lazily raised an eye, too drunk to really realize there was a strange voice inside my locked apartment. “Yes?”

“You! Robo!”

“Me, Robo…” I said. It was then I realized that, not only was there a stranger in my apartment, but my (apparently shit) guard cat had failed to guard said apartment.

“Holy fuck!” I cried, taken aback in my wheely chair. “Who are you?”

“I’m Mae, you idiot!” Mae cried. And, by god, she was – she was gorgeous, twin-tailed, and very much 17 and Boey’s. I swallowed, realizing one of my heroes was very much here.

“What the fuck,” I said eloquently, not processing the fact that a fictional character was about to chew me out.

“You,” she said, and she used magic to grab my shirt collar, her eyes almost red with fury. “You… blasphemed me!”

“What,” I said quietly.

“Speak up, damn you!”

“WHAT,” I said loudly. “What are you…” My eyes gestured to her boob plate. “Is that thing really comfortable?”

“Shut up!” Mae said, hugging herself. “That’s not any of your business!”

“Yeah, what she said!” said Boey, appearing out of thin air. “Frankly, you have no room to talk. Especially like that to my girlfriend.”

“Boey…” My jaw hung open, flabbergasted at the sight I saw. Boey and Mae were real! My favorite fictional characters were real! Boey and Mae were….

_Wait._

_Did he say girlfriend?!_

“Whoa whoa whoa,” I said, backing up in my wheely chair and almost hitting my desk. “Did you say girlfriend?”

“Yes, I did,” snapped Boey. “Because she is made very uncomfortable by that-”

“OHMYGOSH!” I said. “BOEY AND MAE ARE REAL AND THEY’RE DATING AND OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GODDDD!” I shook my hands rapidly, squealing and muttering gibberish.

“This isn’t how I expected this to go,” muttered Mae, releasing me from her grip as I spun in drunk circles, squealing and muttering gibberish.

“BoeyandMaearedatingandit’ssocuteandthey’resogoodlooking,” I said, giggling drunkly. “I love themmmmm.”

“Shut up!” said Boey. He swiped his hand, and nothing happened.

“Gods, you are terrible at magic,” Mae said.

“She just chastised him!” I cried, my eyes wide with joy.

“Shut it!” Mae said, and she swiped *her* hand, my mouth sewing itself shut.

I tried to speak, but my mouth wouldn’t move.

“Mmmph?” I muttered.

“Shut up,” said Boey.

“You’re being arrested,” said Mae.

“Mmmph?” I asked.

“For verbal assault!” cried Mae. “You wrote that… all those… stories! About us! And you wrote the one where we had sex when we were older, and the one where I felt Boey’s body up!”

“Mmph mmph mmph,” I said.

“I can’t understand a word he’s saying,” said Boey.

“Fine,” said Mae, and she undid the magical sewing.

“Don’t forget the part where Boey ate flour and felt up your boobs,” I said.

“W-what?” Mae cried, hugging herself. “You wrote that?”

“Not the latter, but I really wanted to. But I don’t have any idea what boobs feel like, so I could only write the male parts of that fic. Plus, it’s funnier when a girl feels a boy’s body up, not the other way around. And plus, you’re like… teenagers.”

“We’re eighteen now,” said Boey. “But you wouldn’t dare write that!” He paused. “Please?”

I stared at them.

“What?” Mae asked.

“I just can’t believe you’re real,” I mumbled.

“I just want more,” said Boey, shrugging. “Sequel?”

“Really?” I asked, realizing that this was a fanfiction and they could technically say whatever I wanted. “You want that?”

“Of freaking course!” said Mae. “And please write some more kissing scenes between me and Boey! But we’re 18 in this one, so it’s all right.”

I nodded and grinned. “Can do, famalama.”

“Please,” said Boey, “never say that again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had too much fun with this one. It was a guilty pleasure.


End file.
